It was only ever on pause

I am coming to you live [although only at the time of writing this] from ground zero of my latest relapse.

This is by far the most intense relapse I’ve had to date.

Lets rewind to the weekend before christmas and I saw the signs of an impending relapse on the horizon, the water infection, the increasing fatigue the feeling that if someone in the same county as me so much as got a cold I would somehow catch flu from it.

So I put my emergency plan into action, for the next few days I only ate fruit and veg, I only drank water and lots of it and I tried to keep things quiet and simple, lots of rest was to follow. My build up to Christmas was forcibly quiet, I kept it purposely subdued, and what a laugh I was. I felt like Victor Meldrew deliberately trying not to have fun, which at Christmas isn’t as easy as it sounds yet I mastered it with relative ease.

I spent those next few days nervously waiting to see what impending doom the MS gods would throw at me this time. But it never came, I had a little sniffle a cold, you could say I caught mild man flu but it really never caught hold, the water infection I get before relapses came and went and the fatigue slowly eased. That was easy I thought and I even patted myself on the back for getting out in front of this relapse and dodging it.

Christmas day came and by then I felt nearly back to my usual 40% [living with MS that’s as good as gets] so I let the fun commence safe in the knowledge I had dodged this latest relapse. So I did what everybody does on Christmas day I ate too much and washed it down with a few glasses of moonshine ending the night on the port. Port what was all that about????

Then boxing day came and the festivities continued with a full day of sport and good company, a day of good food and more moonshine and the party games followed. All the new toys the children had for Christmas littered the floor and every other space low enough for them to reach. By now the near miss I had last week was a very distant memory and at times like Christmas when everyone is happy and in a party mood I sometimes forget I’ve got MS and throw caution to the wind, I even stay up past 11 o’clock. I know rock”n”roll eh?!?!

The next few days were mainly spent confused wondering what day and date it is, that’s not a symptom of my MS that’s just the crap bit between Christmas and New Year, my MS was still there but the feeling that something was about happen had gone and I was just left with the usual symptoms of fatigue and muscle spasms from the nipples down. Try not to imagine that, it’s not a pretty picture and you probably won’t get to sleep tonight if you do?

Next up was News Years Eve and ever since we’ve had children we have stayed in and just had a chilled out time normally in bed for 10 past 12, but this year we celebrated with a big family party the moonshine flowed all night as did the party games [I still think the girls are smarting from snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, but that’s a story for another day] needless to say I stayed up well past my bedtime, drank more than I should have and if I’m honest I was a little scared of what tomorrow could bring.

But New Years day came and went with little effort, a day for films under a blanket on the sofa, looking back maybe I was a little sensitive?

Fast forward a couple of days and the house got de-christmased the tree got chipped, the decorations go back to their home in the loft and the leftover coffee creams in the Christmas chocolate tin get binned.

And then it happened, within an hour of being de- Christmased the relapse began. When I had put my emergency plan into action I thought I had dodged it but what I’d actually done is pressed pause and it stayed paused until Christmas had finished. I suppose I should be a little thankful for that at least.

The MS hug that followed is the longest I have ever had, it lingered painfully for days. I actually think this hug hugged me so tight it pulled some muscle in my chest?  Damn my relaxed six-pack.

The fatigue has been chronic ,I have slept more than I’ve been awake which doesn’t sound that bad only fatigue isn’t just sleeping, its having no energy in any limbs to move and the ones that do move feel as though they are weighed down with sand bags, then there was the Trigeminal neuralgia the stabbing pain all down the left side of my face its a very quick, very intense burning sort of nerve pain believe me its delightful especially at 2am

There are other symptoms still attacking me like taking away my ability to swallow turning my mouth into a water feature, dysphagia coupled with unbelievable brain fog can leave me a confused puddle.

So with hindsight now in full flow comes the maybes, maybe I shouldn’t have drunk so much alcohol over Christmas or maybe it was the mince pies or maybe I’ve overdone it trying to pinpoint exactly where but its more likely that there is nothing and no one to blame it’s just living life with MS, although what is definitely clear now is my emergency plan is not a preventative measure for a relapse but it is a good aid to have for the recovery after the relapse and no matter how much I own my MS I can’t control it, and trying to makes it/me worse.

Happy New Year and thankyou for reading.

5 thoughts on “It was only ever on pause

  1. Liz Moore says:

    You are a very brave man! Reading this helps us all to understand ms so much better. So pleased you enjoyed Christmas with your wonderful family. Hope 2017 is happy for you all. Love always. XXXX

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Polly Perkins says:

    Well well well, Fantastic Mr.Fox. An inspired script from a talent as yourself. You are an inspiration to many who know you and more so to those who don’t (which is a greater honour). This was my first read but not my last!!!
    Thanks for the message too amigo…
    #NotTooHardEnough #quotes #Hope #Anchor

    Liked by 1 person

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