I foolishly thought I had found a way to give myself an extra couple spoons per day but what I was in fact doing was living on borrowed time and now I have borrowed my limit all the old symptoms have returned with some new ones chucked in for good measure.
Sometime during the school summer holidays [I know that’s how long I’ve been borrowing] I found myself swallowed up by fatigue and being badly in need of energy so against all my better judgements I turned to coffee for a short term fix and it worked, so I carried on. I haven’t drank coffee for around 18 months until now and if I’m really honest it tasted like an ashtray but it gave me a much needed boost at the time. With all this extra energy strangely that night I had a rare full 6 hrs sleep.
It is now October and I have been borrowing spoons for over 2 months and now I am out of credit!
At my last wild guesstimate I currently owe 1335 spoons so with allocating myself an average of 15 per day it is going to take me 89 days in bed to pay them all back, if only it was that simple though because you can’t borrow spoons from tomorrow or the next day or even save them up from yesterday apparently it doesn’t work like that.
You don’t borrow spoons for today you only steal from tomorrow.
I wrongly thought I had found a way to steal spoons from tomorrows stash and at first I was getting away with it, a coffee in the afternoon would give me enough energy to keep me going until bedtime but that afternoon coffee quickly turned into a lunchtime coffee followed by the afternoon coffee. When this started to have no effect I upped my caffeine intake again, and again, and again……..
I have got so used to having an energy drink on days out recently it’s become like a security blanket.
I think about a month ago I had a little relapse, I say think because at the time I was riding the crest of my caffeine wave and like the trooper I am I Just powered on through. If I needed a nap I had a coffee if I needed a boost and I’d had enough coffee a can of devil juice [caffeinated energy drink] was my go to solution, looking back stealing spoons through caffeine was a stupid idea.
I know now that the caffeine that I thought was saving me giving me much needed energy enabling me to see out even the most mundane of days was in fact feeding my MS so while I was powering on through like a trooper my MS was lying in wait ready to pounce, ready to ambush me just when I think I’m winning.
So now its time to pay the piper after all I stole the spoons, now MS will take payment however it sees fit!
Reading this back it can be quite depressing it can be too easy to focus on how I feel now forgetting that the energy boost I’ve been getting no matter how false it may have been long term has given me some brilliant days out, it has prolonged my days so I’m not crashing and burning after only an hour. So taking the rough after the smooth is something I’m doing at the moment and its ok, I’ve had the fun so its only fair I pay for it? right?
No, maybe it isn’t fair, but that’s my reality and that’s the reality of most people living with an invisible illness. We have to live with what we’ve got or we sink, sink into a world of dark bedrooms and TV, Or is that just me?
There are only two things that we can really control in our life, our thoughts and our actions.
Not looking after myself and searching for short term fixes are not the best actions really so thinking about why I feel this way only leads me to kick myself I’m not that stupid I know by forcing my way through day after day will eventually cause a crash, but some days were worth the boost others I should’ve just napped.
If you haven’t read the spoon theory have a read here https://butyoudontlooksick.com/articles/written-by-christine/the-spoon-theory/